| |
THE
VEE BEES ROCK YOUR LIVER
A
not very scientific case study into moronic behaviour in the world
at large.
Part
One: Can a combination of loud grog rock and excessive drinking
actually do you harm?
FAR……..COUGH!
Introduction
Who wrote this crap?
The bloody, so-called, Australian Dictionary that I own doesn’t
even have ‘Beer Bong’ in it. How shit is that? This
country really is on the decline!
Yeah, yeah, I know that as a dinky-di Aussie you should be born
with that sort of knowledge pre-programmed into your brain, just
like you’re pre-programmed to love the VeeBees, but a dictionary
should have all the basics in it for the odd one that slips through
the net. Start with the basics and work up from there ay? They have
the word ‘a’ in there don’t they, ay? And what’s
more important I ask you? ‘A’ or ‘Beer Bong’?
The choice is easy, ay? And that.
Anyway I’m sure that as the bona-fide, card carrying, number
one Vee bee’s fan that you are, you are very well aware of
what a beer bong is. I’m sure that you know the beer bong
inside out, back to front and you probably have about four before
you get out of bed in the morning, but for those of you that may
be new to beer/the VeeBees we have decided that it was in the interests
of the community as a whole that we educate the uninitiated in the
art of both making, and the use of, the beer bong.
HOW
TO MAKE A BEER BONG
Before you get started you really want to sit down, think a bit,
and plan things out. We call it the six P plan. Prior Preparation
Prevents Piss Poor Performance. And when it comes to sucking piss
the last thing you want is piss poor performance. There are a few
decisions that you will need to make, the most obvious and important
being, how many beer bongs do I really need? This will depend on
how much beer you have, how many users there will be, what your
name is etc, etc. We would recommend that you make a minimum of
two just in case you happen to break one/lose one, or you suffer
some other sort of inconvenience like chuck in the main line.
Step One: Get yourself
a plastic bottle of some sort. It must have the capacity of at least
one tinnie. A one-litre bottle is pretty good we reckon. It keeps
your options open.
Step Two: Cut the
arse out of the bugger and get rid of the lid. You will never need
it again.
Step Three: Go out
the back yard and get yourself an arms length of common garden hose.
Make sure that it isn’t the bit you used to siphon petrol
out of the HZ last weekend as you will be drinking out of it.
(If your missus is a keen gardener it would probably be best if
you didn’t mention sabotaging the hose because she may well
go off her brain at you when she finds she can no longer reach the
Flopacoklus Glintinmeeye when she goes to water it.)
Step Four: Get your
trusty duct tape/electrical tape/gaffer tape out and tape one end
of the hose to the mouth of the plastic bottle making sure that
you have a beer-tight seal
That’s it! You’ve done it. You should now be holding
your very own beer bong, which should basically look like a big
funnel. If it doesn’t you have done something drastically
wrong and should be seriously re-considering wether you actually
need another beer.
So, now you have erected a beer bong, in other words, you have had
an erection. It may be the first for the day, but we doubt it, or
it may be your first one ever, especially for those lady VeeBees
fans out there. Congratulations. You are a legend!
You could now, if you like, customise your erection. We suggest
that they look and perform a lot better with a VeeBees sticker on
them but you are probably so excited about having finished making
it that you don’t want to piss around with that sort of crap
and just want to get on and use it.
HOW
TO USE A BEER BONG
Manufacturers warning: The beer bong is a highly engineered piece
of precision instrumentation and should be used by qualified personnel
only. (Don’t worry; you qualify merely by being conscious).
The beer bong is a device used to maximise beer consumption in a
very short time frame, and while being great fun should be only
used by people possessing mouths and at least half a brain. Get
your doctor to give you the OK if you are unsure if you have either
of these.
Beer bonging is an activity to be enjoyed by all but, be warned
it can be a very messy business. You and your place could end up
with a certain amount of spillage and, if this worries you, we would
recommend that you use your beer bong where spillage is of no consequence,
such as in the back yard or down the shops (maybe you should wear
a raincoat or go nude if you are worried about spillage on your
favourite T-shirt and jeans.)
Step One: Get your beer bong. Get your beer.
Step Two:
Place your thumb or finger over the end of the hose. Use
whatever feels natural to you. It’s a very personal thing.
This step if very important step because if you miss this one out
you will have 100% spillage at step two, which apart from being
a dreadful waste, may inconvenience other shoppers.
Step Three: Crack
open a beer or two (depending on experience) and pour it/them into
the funnel end of the beer bong.
Tip One: We don’t really know how to say this,…..but…..
um..….er……. warm, flat beers are the best for
beer bonging. It sounds downright un-Australian and that, but it
isn’t really (see step four). We call it being adaptable in
an ever changing and un-certain world and being a thinking mans
activity, and with you being a thinker, I’m sure that you
will appreciate this.
Tip two: If you are in a hurry you should shotgun your tinnie into
the beer bong at this step. It will save you valuable seconds.
Step four: You now
need to get as much air and fizz out of the system as is possible,
which is achieved by holding the hose down low and the funnel up
high. The air/fizz will rise to the top of the funnel and escape.
The reason for this step is that you will shortly be drinking a
beer or two (depending on experience) very, very quickly and the
less contaminants in the beer the easier it is for you. Air and
carbon dioxide are bad contaminants when it comes to beer bonging
but much, much worse is water, which goes without saying really.
You should have checked your equipment for water contamination before
you started other wise you might as well be beer bonging light beer
which, while we’re talking un-Australian, goes right off the
scale backwards, and you might as well go home now and chuck out
your thongs, wreck your BBQ and break your fishing rod. While you’re
at it you’d better burn your VeeBees CD’s too because
we don’t want to be associated with you, ya wanker. Piss Off!!!
While all this is going on you should be psyching yourself up for
quick beer intake. Don’t get overly concerned though. Beer
bonging is a perfectly natural activity brought about by millions
of years of evolution and you should suffer no ill effects other
than getting shitfaced drunk really quickly, which could hardly
be described as an ill effect, and you should be really proud of
carrying out your part in evolutionary digestive enhancement. Think
of the big picture.
Step Five: All you
need to do now is hold the funnel high above your head, insert the
hose into your mouth, release your finger/thumb and swallow like
buggery. The whole process will seem like it’s over before
it’s begun and if this is the case you can consider yourself
an expert already. If not, then practise makes perfect. Don’t
give up, the practice will pay off in the long run and you’ll
soon be an expert too. Think of the big picture.
Tip three: We have found that it is very helpful if you can gather
your mates around before you start this step and get them to start
up a chant of ‘suck more piss, suck more piss’.
I think that in other activities they call it performance enhancing
psychology or something, ay? And that.
Step six: And this
is, by far, the most important step. You now have a beer in your
gut and a beer bong in your hand that is partially filled with froth.
You need to get rid of this froth before you go back and repeat
steps one to five. You could rinse it out with water but as we already
explained before this highly immoral and is probably illegal. The
best way to get rid of the leftover froth is to blow it out in a
sharp expulsion of air to maximise distance. Make sure that your
aim is good and the beer bong is pointed at your mates or a family
of four out getting a pizza for maximum comedy effect.
And that’s about it. Repeat steps one to five as many times
as you like or until you run out of beer or brain cells. Then maybe
you could start advanced beer bonging which is known in the industry
as bundy bonging. We wouldn’t recommend this though, as it
may turn you into a complete psycho or kill you very quickly.
Welcome to the wonderful world of beer bonging. Enjoy!!!
Just as a note of interest you might like to know some trivial information
on the history of the beer bong. It’s a long and complicated
story, but all that you really need to know is that it was invented
about three minutes after beer was invented by a top bloke. Oh yeah,
and don’t forget, just like they say on a four litre cask
of wine, ‘enjoy alcohol in moderation’.
|